For The Love Of J-Rock!

So right now, I am just worried about the state of my fandom. Mainly because of what happened with mom, I keep questioning my own judgment when picking bands to follow. Reading all the stuff about Visual Kei helped a bit, but for some reason I still feel worried.

I think my main fear is that mom will overreact and tell me not to listen to J-Rock anymore. Or she might even take my computer. These things scare me! I don't want them to happen! I could just not show her J-Rock anymore, but I like sharing what I'm interested in. I see mom the most and have few friends so...

I don't know what to do! I feel as if this paper, if I can do it correctly, will really help the situation. what I want mom to understand is this:

• Not all J-Rockers are like GazettE.
  
• Not all J-Rockers sing songs with subject matter like Taion.
  
• The one at fault IS NOT the Visual Kei genre, but the author of those lyrics (Ruki) and the people who committed the crime (so that Ruki could write about it).

That's it! It's not hard right? So I hope I can get this message across without mom getting all definsive and evil about it.

I really do love J-Rock and Visual Kei.

I generally go through phases with music and I want this phase to be a happy one. And I don't want this phase to end prematurely, either.

There are other things bothering me too, like how some fans of J-Rock act. They can get kind of wild and say some really weird things. It makes other J-Rock fans look bad when they say that kind of stuff. I'm not like that, but when people read it they will lump all the fans together.

There's also that part about how I didn't used to like guys before this year. Now I say stuff on forums about how "hot" such and such is. It's just natural I guess, but sometimes it makes me feel funny. (*_*) I guess I'm just not used to feeling this stuff so... [this paragraph has nothing to do with J-Rock.]

I used to think that there wasn't anything I wanted to take back in my life. But right now, if asked, I want to take back the video of Taion that I subbed. I really wish I hadn't ever done that. The video itself wasn't bad, but I had to many details about the background story in there. To be honest, I felt that if I took them out it would detract from the impact of the story. But when mom saw it, she got so disturbed. She explained to me how it would disturb other women too and said I should take it down. Which I did, because I realized I screwed up. Mother also said that I should stop listening to GazettE. At the time I was crying because it was the first video I subbed and I had to delete it. It was a great disappointment. In addition, I couldn't listen to my new favorite band (which also meant I had to delete hide the wallpaper I made of them). It was just a terrible experience!

And then I felt bad for days because of what happened. I felt like a dumb, stupid, terrible person for liking GazettE and subbing that video. I just wanted to tell people about the meaning behind it. I got tired of people saying the liked the song and acting like they didn't know what it was about. I wanted people to feel the magnitude of the situation. I wanted them to get pissed and take cases like this more seriously.

But after the video came out and mom saw it, I felt like it was a case I should have never read. But, if it really happened, why not? It's terrible sure, but it DID happen. It wasn't something I (or Ruki) made up. It wasn't some weirded out fictional story. I didn't get off on it. There are some freaks I'm sure who get off on reading that kind of crap, but I didn't. I just got upset. While subbing the video, I kept seeing it so it lost it's jarring quality after a while. But when I first read it I felt terrible for the girl and Ruki too, who must have felt sad while writing the song. And while thinking about all of this, I feel bad because I became desensitized to it after a while. But for real, how many times can a person read something a get emotional every time?!

In addition, my mother is very emotional in that she always cries at movies. She can see a movie 10 times and would still cry! But I never cry and movies and feel bad for not crying. I sometimes think there is something wrong with me. It's not that I don't care, I just can't cry over it. I cried when I lost GazettE, when I injure myself, when I get frustrated with school, and other such things. I sometimes choke up for movies, I guess, but I never full out cry like mom.

I don't understand why I am so confused over everything! This was not a big matter, but it has somehow made me question my entire personality and morals for no reason! and that's not right. Am I being too hard of myself? I AM a perfectionist (like my father), so maybe I want myself to be perfect. I don't know...

Oprah has a section in her magazine called Things I Know For Sure. Here are mine:

• Reading the story was not bad because it was an actual event.
  
• Putting the whole event into the video was no bad because of what you wanted to achive. But, you should have thought about how other people would react. It was a bit impulzive.
  
• Not many people were affected before you took the video down, so don't worry about that.
• All J-Rock is not bad, you just need to be very selective about what you watch and listen to. It is not too late to change.
• You are not a bad person because you listen to J-Rock and subbed a morbid song.
• Everyone makes mistakes. You are only human. In comparison, your mistake was really quite small.
  
• You parents don't think you're a pervert, but they probably think you act without thinking. Simply prove them wrong. Keep in mind that your brain is still developing.
  
• You could be worse. Just do better.

I suppose this has helped me a bit. It has helped me organize my thoughts.

*looks around* How much did I type?! I guess I will end this now.

~ZB24~

PS> I was showing dad alice nine. and he seemed to approve of them! He didn't say they sounded sad like GazettE. This makes me happy. [Keep in mind that alice nine. is oshare kei, too.] I think I will check out more Oshare Kei soon and see if I can find something I like.

PPS> Sorry for any spelling and grammar errors, I can't bring myself to proofread ^that^.

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Listening to: alice nine. - 無限の花 (Mugen no Hana)